My Family Does Not Want Me to Donate My Eggs. I Did It Anyway.

 My Family Does Not Want Me to Donate My Eggs.  I Did It Anyway.

By Victoria Vinci

There’s an episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda, a corporate lawyer, is on a date with a man who has hair plugs.  They’re openly talking about how he’s much happier to no longer be bald, even if that means having artificial curls growing out of his forehead.  And over a lamb dinner, Miranda mentions that she’s been considering freezing her eggs, it takes the pressure off the biological clock issue, and she refers to this decision as a “fertility savings account”.  Her date tells her this is something she should not do, for as a society we “don’t want desperate women having babies at fifty”.  He goes on to say, “maybe some people aren’t meant to procreate.  Maybe this is the world’s way of weeding out the weak”.  I watched a rerun of this episode at fifteen years old, never imagining I’d be in Miranda’s position, and my family would be playing the role of her date.  

Let me start off by saying my family has fertility issues.  Yes, my mom has four kids, but my sister had problems conceiving, my aunt was unable to have biological children, my cousin has endometriosis, and all of us have had cysts on our ovaries, with mine, my mother’s and my aunt’s resulting in surgery.  I have always wanted to freeze my eggs as an insurance policy but never thought it was something I could afford, until I came across a program by Cofertility.  Cofertility was introduced to me at a medical conference I attended for work. It’s a fertility business where one can buy, freeze, or donate eggs.  They offer a program called The Split Program; where, if accepted, one can donate a cycle of eggs and their next cycle they freeze, free of charge and Cofertility will pay for everything, including storage fees for 10 years.  This intrigued me.  I decided to fill out an application alone in my hotel room during this conference, and after months of appointments, tests, and exams I was approved, moved forward as long as I still wanted this.  I could freeze my eggs for free, storage included, as long as I donated a batch first. 

I did my research, read firsthand pieces about women who have gone through with the process, possible outcomes and scenarios, discussed with specialists, and knew the side effects inside and out.  I wanted to do this.  Since about 20% of American women have their first child after age 35, I felt putting my fertility options on ice was the best decision.  I decided not to mention this decision to my brothers, but told my Dad, and he said I should take the donation money, not the freezing process.  He seemed uncomfortable and said I shouldn’t need to freeze my eggs, yet he’s a man and I knew he didn't fully understand my position.  My aunt tried to tell me how unnatural this is and how the hormones used in this process aren’t good for me, but I shut her down with my research, for this was something I’d already considered.  However, nothing prepared me for my mom and sister, for they were brutal.  Actually raising their voices at me saying how awful this decision would be for the family, for they don’t want relatives in the world they don’t know.  Bloodlines they can’t trace, but may come up on 23andMe.  My mom claimed that this is medical science that as a society we don’t know enough about, and an act of playing god.  She said I really shouldn’t be doing this, for it’s something I’ll regret when I’m older.  That maybe I, and the donor family just shouldn’t have kids, it wasn’t meant to be.  My sister tried to guilt and scare me about having children in the world I wouldn’t know, but this doesn’t frighten me.  Maybe this is wrong to think, but the way I see it, if someone decides to buy my eggs and produce a baby, it will not be my child.  Biologically, yes, but that’s it.  

I don’t know if I want to have children, but I also don’t want the decision made for me.  As an unmarried woman who is 30 years old, not engaged, and not planning on having kids in the near future, I don’t want a baby in this current position, but I may want one in another.  And if I never have any children, I find something oddly nice knowing I helped other families, and genetically a part of me lives on.  Even if I never know anything about this biological child, it’s comforting to know that a piece of me is out there if I am unable to find myself in a position that someone who really wants this is in.  So I moved forward with the egg donation and the egg freezing.  I donated 27 mature eggs, divided between two families, and froze 29 just for me.  I decided to stop telling my family all the details, and in true “Sex and the City” fashion, told my friends instead.